Myself. Hands down.
I’ve learned more about myself in the last year than I’ve learned in the past 21 years. I didn’t even realize how passionate I was about science and medicine until I began applying to medical school – more specifically, when I began to realize just how possible it was for me not to get accepted. I am an only-child. I grew up always being the center of my parents’ world, always wanting to impress them and setting high expectations for myself in order to do so. Eventually, I realized I set those high expectations for myself, as well. It became just as important to do well for myself. I was always the straight-A student… the “brown-noser”… the over-achiever. I was always on the honor roll, or the Dean’s list. I graduated with a 3.8 something in high school and undergrad. I never had any doubts about getting into college… or even getting through college. What a breeze. My first truly humbling experience in life was applying to medical school. Taking the MCAT and only getting a 26. Wow, that’ll get to you. Having the medical school admissions committee tell you you’re almost good enough, but not quite. Yeah, that’s humbling. I’d never “not been good enough” for a thing in my life. And it was this moment that I realized just how badly I wanted to go to medical school. It was no longer just a challenge… it was no longer a game (sometimes you have to look at it this way in order to avoid going insane!)… no, quickly I realized that I wanted to go to medical school more than I had ever wanted anything in my entire life. And there was a chance that I wasn’t good enough. Wow. Sure, I could have applied to other schools… and some people think I’m crazy to pick IU as my “dream school,” but I didn’t want to go anywhere else. IU was a major factor in my inspiration to go to medical school. I stayed at IUPUI in order to have access to the hospitals that play a central role in IUSM. Every step I made as an undergraduate, every class I took, every job I worked, every extracurricular activity I participated in… it was all for medical school. Not only to make me a better candidate, but to make me a better doctor. And then I got to the application process and Interview Day…. and I looked around and I realized that ALL the applicants are just like me (or even better). Suddenly we’re all on the same playing field. No longer am I top of my class, but I’m just “average.” Maybe not even good enough. Now that’s humbling.
And I still struggle with that today. Two months into medical school, and I still struggle with my high expectations. Don’t get me wrong – it’s an honor to be among some of the most intelligent and talented students in the nation. But it’s also challenging and humbling. Every day I struggle with certain classmates being smarter or quicker or wittier or prettier or whatever. I get frustrated watching some of my classmates excel and wondering why I can’t “just get it” the way they do. Why am I so slow? Do they study more than I do? Should I be studying more? Maybe they study too much. Maybe they don’t study at all and they’re just that smart. Ahhh! Calm down. Luckily, I’ve gotten very good at dealing with this. My solution: ignore them. Honestly, that has probably been the best advice I’ve gotten for medical school so far. Three years of premedical undergraduate clubs and events and panels… and one MS-II at orientation gave me the best advice: There will always be someone around you that is “better” than you (at least you’ll see it that way). You’ll see other people studying a certain way, and you’ll be tempted to change your study habits to try it their way because you see them doing better. You’ll hear people bragging about their exam scores or showing off their knowledge or asking questions in class to impress the professor (and yes, I’ve seen all of this so far). But the most important thing to do is to find out who those people are… and RUN! Stay away from the people who bring you down. Find out how YOU study best and don’t second-guess yourself. Do the best you can do, and don’t worry about how other people are doing.
We received our results of our Myers-Briggs evaluation this past week, and it confirmed a lot of the things I’ve learned about myself. For example, I’m an introvert. Well, that’s not too surprising. I’ve known that for a long time. That actually worries me a lot though, and they mentioned it during our evaluation. I tend to be more observant than participatory. It’s not that I’m disinterested or that I don’t care, but I just like to watch. I’ve always been that way. I’d rather watch sports than play them. I’d rather listen to a debate than participate. I enjoy the observation. But what happens when I’m on my rotations or in my residency, and I’m being “pimped” as they like to call it. I (along with several others) am being drilled with questions. Normally I wouldn’t just jump up and answer the questions. Not because I don’t care… not because I don’t the answer… but because I would just rather observe. I’m more comfortable observing. Okay, but I’ve known this. So here’s the part that I’ve recently realized: I need to get over myself and learn to step out of my box. One reason being the rotations/residency thing. Another reason being (ironically) that I learn better when I teach. In anatomy lab, for example, I’ve learned that I am most successful when I first observe and listen and learn from my TAs and classmates, but taking the time to teach the material to other classmates is what really solidifies what I have learned. I’m doing much better in anatomy this time around. Part of it is that the material is a little easier, but most of it is that I’ve learned to think more like an anatomy student. I’ve learned to put the pieces together and view the picture a little differently. And I’ve come to terms with being “average,” as long as I’m doing my best.
I’ve also learned to value time much differently than ever before. I probably study about 4 hours a night (on average) and maybe about 6 hours a day on the weekends. Just depends. But I’ve learned that it’s not the quantity of studying but the quality of studying that counts. Before the first round of exams, I was spending 2-3 hours a night re-watching anatomy lectures, trying to get down every little detail. Now I realize that even if I was able to write down every little detail, there’s no way I’m going to learn every little detail. I don’t know how anyone could (in the amount of time we’re given, on top of all of our other classes). So it becomes a matter of priority. Sacrifice a few nitty gritties in order to have more time to really understand the bigger concepts.
Anyway, I wanted to share that because I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit over the last couple of weeks. Maybe it will resonate with someone. J
